I will not go into the details about everything that happened, but I did do something very wrong that hurt a lot of people in recent times. Now, most people would think that the best way to discipline me is to have me go through a consequences. I have interesting information...I will take my consequence but I am so hard on myself when I make a mistake.
When I was in drum corp, there were a lot of rules. Leave your dot book on the field and you have to run five laps around the field. Leave your equipment at a show and it goes everywhere with you...literally (you have to sleep with it too). If you leave pages of your dot book on your field and don't replace or update it then you do kitchen duty. I am pretty sure me and a few other rookies at the time broke every single rule (unintentionally, of course). Whenever, we broke these rules the other rookies would get extremely angry saying that they thought the punishments were unfair. Not me. I take my punishment, but it is the feeling that I disappointed someone that makes me upset. I had a staff member tell me for 10 minutes how much he was disappointment in me because he was always fighting for me to have a solo or be in a certain part of the show. I carried that around with me for a long time.
Needless, to say, I am a weird child. About 90% of the time, I will take my punishment and spend quite a long time wallowing in the fact that I disappointed someone. That is what I feel like right now...a disappointment to a lot of people. I am trying to do what I can to fix this, including a contract that I hope and pray a few people accept.
So, to those I have recently, or ever, hurt I really do apologize even if it doesn't seem like I was sorry at the time. I am trying to fix what I did and am hoping and praying that the people involved will accept my apology and accept my way of fixing things.
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